aikaterine: Waterhouse study (Default)
[personal profile] aikaterine
I feel like I know who I am, but I forget from time to time — more like almost every minute of every day — to be that woman, to think and act like her. She scares the crap out of me. She is this incredibly powerful individual. She knows things that boggle my mind. She is responsible, intelligent, compassionate, and capable in ways that scare the living daylights out of me. I worry that I can't live up to her ideals or achieve her goals. I worry that I will disappoint her. I wonder why I feel the need to step out of her and see her as someone else. I discuss her as though she isn't me.

It reminds me of what my psychiatrist said to me about self-talk. If I said the kinds of things to my friends and family that I say to myself, no one would talk to me. If I treated others the way I treat myself, they would disown me. So why do I do it? Why do I treat myself this way? Why do I bury myself and my dreams in something else, someone else? Why am I always running away from my reflection? Why do I divorce myself from my dreams, my ideas, and my beliefs?

Yeah, it's hard to be me. It requires a lot of strength. It requires a perpetual force of will, but it feels so... damn... good when I bother. That's how I know that this is me, that the woman is me and not a dream. When I stand in my own skin, it fits: flawless, skin-tight, like a glove. Maybe, though, if I do it for long enough, it'll become second nature.


aikaterine: Waterhouse study (Default)

October 2017

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